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Albert Spansworthy

Albert Spansworthy
Bingo caller, anorak wearer and frustrated lothario

Albert Spansworthy is a friend of Richard’s from Northampton. Specialising in the honourable profession of 'bingo calling' , Albert stepped in to do the commentary when nobody else felt up to it. In return he only requested six pints of beer and a packet of pork scratchings. If you listen carefully enough to the commentary you can hear the effect this request had, as he slowly gets more 'over the top' and his voice more gravelly.

Please note: at the time, Albert was also a practising smoker, though subsequently he let his practise slip a little, and has now given up due to the frustration of falling short of brilliance.

For such an iconic figure as Albert it seems only fitting that his origins are shrouded in mystery and hearsay, some would say lies. By his own untruthful admission Albert says he was born into a wealthy family of aristocrats but intensive research by one of his greatest fans, Bernard Spampants, reveals that he was in fact found outside a chip-shop in Luton, wrapped carefully within The Sunday Sport newspaper.

Albert has always had a soft spot for climbers, feeling sympathy for the fact that they're so skinny and seemingly malnourished, not being able to enjoy tucking into a mammoth-sized helping of Cod and mushy peas. He feels it's his duty to feed them up a little, or help out when they need expert commentary for their films.

Albert's most cherished reminder of helping Richard out is the fact that Mark subsequently named a new E5 at Gardoms Edge after him, thus immortality was guaranteed on rock.

Span's Spam

Albert is currently setting up his own fan club, in a shameless attempt to attract more ladies. As an incentive Albert has sent us a cheeky, revealing photo of his finely proportioned pins and evidence of his culinary prowess (the enclosed note said ‘I want it known that any future partner can be assured of my new-man status and the consequent gastronomic treats in store).

Albert Spansworthy

A life more ordinary

Please e-mail your fan mail and impassioned proposals of marriage to us here at Slackjaw Film. We'll make sure that they all get passed on to Albert.

[email protected]

Albert's delicate, knobbly knees